I've had a diagnosis of anxiety for about 14 years. So it is nothing new for me. What a lot of people don't understand is that high functioning anxiety can manifest in a lot of ways, depending upon the individual. For me, often that anxiety shows up as a need for control. So much of my formative years I had little to no control of my body as I was being abused that as I grew into adulthood, control became a huge thing for me.
Having just turned 46, I still struggle with a need for control. I know damn well that there are a lot of things that I cannot control. But the anxious side of me likes the façade of control. If it appears like I am in control, that soothes me. Even though rationally I know that is total bullshit, when anxiety hits me, I'm not rational. I used to tell my therapist there was a Rational Raye and an Irrational Raye. When the irrational one is front and center, it's harder to get a grip on that anxiety so I focus on trying to control what I think I can control.
Needless to say, the entire month of August can now suck an egg. Usually August is my favorite month. It's my birthday month so it's a month for celebration. We also get ready for back to school in late August. I just entered my 19th year of teaching and I love what I do. Teaching is not a job to me; it is truly a calling. I didn't become a teacher because I wanted the summer off or the same schedule as my kids. I wanted to impact lives. And the start of the school year is always a time for renewal and excitement. It's stressful, for sure, because you go from being lazy and doing whatever you want to being at 150% as you set up, plan and get the year rolling.
This year, of course, August has been rude from the get-go. Mammogram on August 1st, follow up on August 8 where I was also rear-ended and totaled my car (I'm STILL pissed about that; I loved that car), had a needle biopsy on my birthday (still have bruises from that) and on and on.
I got my cancer diagnosis right before back to school. I was diagnosed formally on August 14 and my first day back in my classroom was August 19. Then of course on August 22, the world turned and the news was much, much worse than we thought. I knew I was going to need a pretty extensive surgery and that it needed to happen sooner rather than later.
So we started the school year and I had four school days plus Friday to get ready to be gone for at least 7 weeks. That's where the high functioning anxiety kicked in.
Last year, we opened our new school and I had kindergarten through 5th grade students. At one point we counted and had something like 792 students that we saw weekly. This year, schedules were changed and we only see 1st through 5th grade students. I believe when I counted it was about 675 students. That's still a ton of kiddos to build relationships with and help have a good experience.
Remember how I said teaching was a calling for me? Yeah. I was internally freaking out - how am I going to ensure they have an awesome experience in STEM if I am not there? Not that someone else can't do what I do, but they wouldn't do it like I would and that is where the anxiety ramps up.
One of the best parts of teaching is how distracting it is. If you have shit happening in your personal life, being around the students can be a balm for your soul. Thank goodness for those kids this week because I think they kept me sane. I had so much to do but being with them was the highlight of the week, for sure.
Teaching is also extremely tiring. Decision fatigue is real. The beginning of the year teacher tired is a real thing too. Especially if you do enjoy your August like you should - you go from vacation and family time to running around like a crazy person. Add to that the knowledge that you're about to be away from that place for at least 6-8 weeks.
We didn't have school Friday so that people could enjoy their long Labor Day weekend. I got my hair cut, got my nails done so they are pretty for after surgery, picked up my contact lenses and stopped at the bank. Then I went to school. I was there from 11:45 am to 9:45 pm. The only time in there that I wasn't at school was a quick 20 minutes around 2 to go get some food.
And I worked that entire time. This is where that high functioning anxiety kicked in. Of course the lesson plans had to be done right? At least as a specials teacher, that part was super easy. I developed this program so I knew exactly what to do to make it as easy as possible for my sub to step in for me. I spent about 90 minutes with her yesterday helping her learn how to use Google Classroom and be prepared to do all of the things.
But beyond the lesson plans, I had to exert full control. While my team absolutely would have put up my points rewards bulletin board for me, I wanted to do it. I wanted to be the one to get the new headphones and mice labeled and set out on the tables for the students. I wanted to be the one to make sure all of the log-in cards for the computers were printed accurately, laminated, cut out and sorted by their classroom teacher. I even went so far as to label the shelves in the storage closet and put out labeled bins for each table for each class. I sharpened pencils for the first graders. Not even remotely necessary. But I did it.
I equated it to nesting for a new baby. You know your life is about to be chaotic with the addition of a tiny human who needs you every second of the day so you try to do all of the things before the baby comes.
That's what it was like for me yesterday. I was nesting for my absence. Unfortunately I'm not gaining a new baby, I'm losing my breasts instead. I know it concerned my family that I was obsessing over this stuff and maybe overdoing it, but when I finally left last night, for the first time since realizing I had to be out, I felt at peace with needing to be gone.
The classroom is ready, the plans are ready, the materials are ready. I know my anxiety would have been so, so bad leading into my surgery on Tuesday if I hadn't done all of those things. They might seem dumb and inconsequential to other people, but for me, it was a way to show the love for my students even when I know that I won't be able to be there.
Raye
If you’re reading this and want to support me on this journey, please consider donating or at least sharing the donation link. Thank you.
https://gofund.me/f0934c8a
Comments
Post a Comment