I have said many, many times on this cancer journey that Jeff deserves a high five and at least a million dollars. I stand by that.
Since 2010, he has been on a mental health journey with me that he did not ask to be on. I cannot even count how many times I have told my therapist that I don't know if I would be strong enough to support someone on a mental health journey the way he has supported me on mine. When I'm really down, I'm not a very nice person to be around. I can totally fake it until I make it at work and professionally, but at home during those times? Yeah. Not pleasant. At all.
And there are times I have lashed out at Jeff and put expectations upon him that I know now were completely a) unfair and b) unrealistic. And what does he do? He just keeps pushing forward; he holds my hand (literally and metaphorically) when I need it, helps me get myself back to Rationale Raye and just keeps on keeping on. He's the stability I never had as a child. My parents lived in chaos and created that for my brother and I. Of course, at the time, we didn't know any better. We thought it was normal to be manipulative and controlling. (Newsflash: it's not.)
Jeff and I have definitely had our ups and downs. And I'm not too proud to admit that 99.9% of those downs were because of me and the trauma and insecurity living in my own head. I didn't realize until recently how so much of the issues I've thought we've had were actually just in my head; there have been so many times when I have wondered why he didn't see problems when I clearly did. So of course, that was his fault, right? I mean, how could someone be so oblivious?!
But during our road trip this summer, I read How We Love (recommended by my therapist after we had talked about attachment styles). Being 100% real, it made me upset and I cried reading it. I knew Jeff had an Avoidant attachment style but when I realized that I was a Vacillator...man, did it explain a lot. And it upset me because it took me almost 46 years to realize WHY I am the way I am and how my childhood and a lack of bonding with my mother created my attachment style. In some ways though, I was also relieved. I finally understood myself and why I have made some of the decisions I've made in my life. I could look back on my marriage and realize where I've put expectations on Jeff that weren't fair or realistic, but also how I've done things in friendships to push other people away in an attempt to prevent feelings of abandonment. (Basically, I'm going to hurt you before you can hurt me.) It really explains why I have very few people I actually consider to be friends; most of my relationships outside of my family are acquaintances at best because I tend to keep people at arm's length due to that innate fear of abandonment that comes with my attachment style.
Now fast forward from the understanding that book lent to me and I find myself on a cancer journey I never asked for. And by golly, Jeff has more than proven that he is steadfast and unwavering.
That is how I recently described him to not only my therapist but also the psych who prescribes my mental health medication. Both of them were intrigued by this description and asked me to elaborate.
When I have been at my absolute worst during this process, when I just wanted to be pissed, when I struggled to accept his help because I physically could not do something (like shower) on my own, Jeff has just been there. He hasn't complained, he hasn't made me feel like I was a burden, he has just stepped up in absolute demonstration of the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriage vows.
We went out for Valentine's Day. It was 3 days after my last chemo. I basically slept the entire time because we didn't have dogs to worry about. Jeff didn't mind that it wasn't some super romantic weekend because clearly I needed the rest. (The same was true the weekend of our anniversary when we stayed away the whole weekend. I think I slept 23 total hours that weekend!) He never got annoyed or mad or disappointed.
More times than I can count, when our dog Penny has disrupted my sleep, Jeff will take it upon himself to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch in the universe, despite having to get up and work the next day so that I could get decent sleep even though I'd just be at home the next day. He comes home now from work and more often than not, he makes dinner. I still just get so tired. And never one time has he whined or complained. He is steadfast and unwavering. Period.
I bring this all up because we're at surgery time again. March 7 I get to have an axillary lymph node dissection (again, don't Google it...it's not pretty or pleasant; don't say I didn't warn you). When the nurse called me on Tuesday to verify the surgery time and everything she said they have people at the hospital who will come and pray with you, if you want that, before your procedure. Then she asked me if I was interested in that. I said yes, but I am going to request they pray for Jeff.
Last time, my surgeon's assistant had COVID so Dr. M was on her own and it took like 9 hours to complete the surgery. Poor Jeff had to sit out in that waiting area all day long, watching the room clear out of family and loved ones waiting for their family member to be done with surgery and he was alone. Of course tomorrow's surgery won't be that long but I cannot imagine waiting in a place by yourself like that wondering what is happening and how everything is going. I've never had to do it and Jeff has done it with me many times over the years for various things.
So if anyone needs the positive thoughts, it's him. I mean, I'll be asleep! I won't have a clue what is happening at all. He will be awake and left with his thoughts and wondering what the status is and whatnot.
If I could meet a Genie today and get three wishes, the first one would absolutely be to give Jeff peace of mind for my procedures tomorrow and the second one would be to grant him a million dollars because if anyone deserves it, it is definitely him.
He will probably be embarrassed that I wrote this entire post about him because he's humble, but for real...if you're lucky enough to know him, consider yourself blessed. He truly is one in a million and I will always be so grateful for the day he walked into my life.
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