The Dumpster Fire - Kicking Cancer's Butt

 I've had a diagnosis of anxiety for about 14 years. So it is nothing new for me. What a lot of people don't understand is that high functioning anxiety can manifest in a lot of ways, depending upon the individual. For me, often that anxiety shows up as a need for control. So much of my formative years I had little to no control of my body as I was being abused that as I grew into adulthood, control became a huge thing for me. Having just turned 46, I still struggle with a need for control. I know damn well that there are a lot of things that I cannot control. But the anxious side of me likes the façade of control. If it appears like I am in control, that soothes me. Even though rationally I know that is total bullshit, when anxiety hits me, I'm not rational. I used to tell my therapist there was a Rational Raye and an Irrational Raye. When the irrational one is front and center, it's harder to get a grip on that anxiety so I focus on trying to control what I think I c...

 Cancer is one of those things that you might hear about often but usually, unless it affects you or someone you love, you might not really give it that much thought. It doesn’t mean you don’t care that others are suffering with it and fighting it, it just might be something you only notice on the periphery. I would say that was true for me. My biological father died from cancer at age 42. My maternal grandfather had lung cancer. I have friends who have dealt with it. Father doesn’t count in this regard simply because, through his own life choices, I never had a relationship with him. Sure, I felt bad when I learned he was dying from it, but it is that feeling his have when you find out a total stranger died in a bad car accident. You can feel sad about it, but there is no real emotional connection. My grandpa was an old man most of my life. I mean, he wasn’t actually old but he acted like he was. He died when I was 19. He was 69 (which is not as old as he acted). I’m not sure if t...

 Yesterday was a rough one. I like to think I'm pretty tough - at least that's the facade that I like to show to the world. People always praise me for having a positive outlook. My thought on that is "what's the alternative?" I can lay my head in the sand and give up or I can do what I've had to do my entire life and fight.  August has been a real shitty month this year. It's been one thing after the other. But I hadn't cried at all about my cancer diagnosis - I cried when I found out my dear Clementine was totaled. But I didn't cry about cancer because if nothing else, I'm a fighter. That changed yesterday. We had planned to spend the entire day at the MST office. This is a wonderful option the cancer center has to allow you to meet with all of the specialists on your care team on the same day. This includes the surgeon, radiation and medical oncologists, genetics, social work, etc. It's a long and overwhelming day but you will, in theory...

 On August 14, 2024, my life changed forever. Something that I thought would never happen to me, did. I received a diagnosis of breast cancer. Invasive carcinoma with mixed ductal and lobular features. That just means that the cancer has moved out of where it originally began and is currently affecting both milk ducts and lobes. So far at least, it does not appear to have impacted lymph nodes, which is a huge positive. August and I aren't friends anymore. My birthday is in August and it has always been my favorite month of the year. This year, that may well have changed forever. August has not been kind to me this year, in so many ways.  My husband and I took a road trip from Michigan out west and down south in July. The same day we saw Mount Rushmore, I noticed an odd lump in my left breast. It didn't hurt but it was quite big and something that I then kept on the periphery of my mind the rest of our trip. Fortunately, I was already scheduled for my yearly mammogram on August...