Yesterday was a rough one. I like to think I'm pretty tough - at least that's the facade that I like to show to the world. People always praise me for having a positive outlook. My thought on that is "what's the alternative?" I can lay my head in the sand and give up or I can do what I've had to do my entire life and fight.
August has been a real shitty month this year. It's been one thing after the other. But I hadn't cried at all about my cancer diagnosis - I cried when I found out my dear Clementine was totaled. But I didn't cry about cancer because if nothing else, I'm a fighter.
That changed yesterday.
We had planned to spend the entire day at the MST office. This is a wonderful option the cancer center has to allow you to meet with all of the specialists on your care team on the same day. This includes the surgeon, radiation and medical oncologists, genetics, social work, etc. It's a long and overwhelming day but you will, in theory, leave with a plan of action for your treatment. As a teacher, I wanted that option to minimize the number of days that I need to be away from school.
In the morning, everything looked super positive. Stage 1b, very clear and concise treatment plan. But each doctor did an exam and they determined they wanted an MRI just to be sure they could verify the size of the tumor. Well thank goodness they did that because the 4.4 cm tumor is probably actually 8-10 cm which is HUGE. That not only changes the stage but it also changes the treatment option.
In my mind the best option is just to remove both breasts. While there is zero evidence of cancer in the right breast, there was also zero evidence of cancer in either breast a year ago and yet, here we are. There are other options but this is likely the one we will go with because I think it provides the best chances for there to be no reoccurrence (there is zero evidence that it has spread to lymph nodes so that is very positive). I felt terrible for the doctor having to deliver this news considering what a good outlook we have in the morning.
This is when I lost my shit. I held it together all day and though the increasingly doom outlook but when she shared the MRI with us, I couldn't hold it in any more. When we left her office, I had to sit down in the waiting area and just let myself feel the feelings.
The ride home was tough. Getting home was also tough. I had to share the news with my youngest. I also let myself feel the anger that I feel.
I am not a shitty person. I'm a good person who always (and I mean ALWAYS) puts everyone else ahead of myself. So why do craptastic things always happen to me? I was damn good and mad about it. And I let myself feel that. I had to process it somehow and that's how I chose to do it.
Shoutout to my principal who saw my FB post and called me. As an objective outsider who isn't related to me, she really helped me feel a lot better. Thank you, JS. I'm so grateful for you.
I spent a lot of time last night reviewing the binder they gave me, doing some more research online and resolving myself to the fact that this is what it is going to be. I went to bed last night feeling numb. It's a lot to process. My entire body is about to change.
I'm worried about my mental health through this. I'm worried about my kids and my husband who have to walk alongside this journey that not a single person asks for. I'm worried about my students and how they will do without me there to teach them during the time I have to be out (yes, I realize that should be the least of my worries but recall I said I always put people ahead of myself).
The silver lining is that I let myself be angry and mad yesterday and now that's done. It's looking forward. One day at a time, one minute at a time if that's all I can handle. I won't give in and I won't give up.
Raye
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