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Just let me be pissed!!

Truthfully, one of the hardest things for me, right now, during the still-early stages of this journey is hearing people's well wishes.

How's that for sounding like a selfish ass?!

"You're going to kick this cancer's ass!"

"You're strong, you got this!"

"You're the strongest person I know! You'll come out stronger!"

Maybe. Maybe not.

The issue is, you have to get through the journey first. And right now, in this moment, in this part of the journey, it sucks. It sucks hard. 

And maybe I don't want to fight or be strong or be the ass kicker anymore. Maybe I just want to dip into oblivion and be left the hell alone for once. Stop sending those freaking lemons my way, you hear me universe??

I want to hit something. Throw something. Pound my fist and shout "this is utter bullshit."

And you know what? I can't even do those things because I don't have the full use of my arms yet! It's just one more damn thing to be mad about, you know? 

If we're being real (and we always are in the Raye world), sometimes when people give me those well wishes...I want to tell them to piss off. I know that sounds rude, mean and ungrateful. It probably is. 

But at the same time, I WANT to be mad. I WANT to be confused, angry, irrational and just like who did I piss off to deserve this shit?? 

The answer to that last question is, of course, no one. No one deserves this. No one asks to take this road. Just like no one asks to be abused (physically, mentally, sexually or any combination of the three). No one asks to be mistreated, neglected, to made to feel like dirt. Yet it happens. It happens to people you know every day, yet they might not tell you about it.

Many people still don't know that my oldest (now 29 - I'm 46...do that math) was conceived because my mother's husband, my stepmonster, sexually abused me from the time I was quite young. I never told a soul until she was 16. Not. One. Person.

Why? 

Easiest answer: shame. I was so ashamed of what HE did. I was trained to believe it was MY FAULT and there must have been something wrong with ME to make me a target like that. I know for an absolute fact it was only me. Never any of my girl friends, never any of my female cousins. Just me. So I must have been defective, right? And you best believe the abuser loves to capitalize on that shame. It kept me silent for a very, very long time. 

And that is why I have such a fear of abandonment. My mother sure as shit didn't protect me. My biological father abandoned us when we were babies. My stepmonster was an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive prick. But he was kept around for what he "provided." 

You can't make this shit up. Once, after I had finally told my mom about my abuse, she said "well you have to think about what our lives would have been like without his support." 

Read it again. I swear on my own life she said that to me. The first answer to that statement is, of course, that I would have been safe. I would have been innocent a lot longer than I was. I would have been able to give my gift away instead of having it taken away.

Despite the fact that the truth of all of that came out 12 1/2 years ago, I still struggle with the effects of that abuse and trauma. And most people don't get it. And thank God they don't because it means they would have had to walk through it too. 

And no, I'm not ungrateful that people are praying for me and thinking of me and keeping me in their well wishes. Not at all.

But I am angry. I don't want to take this journey. I don't want to keep being the strong one. I don't want to ever hear another person say "Well, God only gives you what you can handle." Not true. Not true at all.

There are days and moments when I don't think I can handle this. And I don't want to either. 

Will I? Of course. But I don't want to. That's the distinction. 

Let me be pissed. Let me say this isn't fair. Let me be upset that every damn time we go in thinking maybe something positive will happen, nope, we get yet another set back.

It has been 58 days since I found the lump. 29 days since the official cancer diagnosis. 9 days since surgery.

We haven't even really and truly started this journey and I'm tired. So, so tired.

So please, just let me be pissed. 

Even just for a day. An hour. A few minutes.

Just let me be pissed.


Raye

If you’re reading this and want to support me on this journey, please consider donating or at least sharing the donation link. Thank you.  

https://gofund.me/f0934c8a



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