No one in their right mind would ever tell you that the cancer journey (of any kind) is easy. It isn't. It's so overwhelming. The first little while it is literally information overload and you will feel like your brain is going to blow up (like that emoji where the brain is coming out in an explosion - you will actually feel that emoji).
There are so many appointments, meetings and tests that you will need to go through to ensure your treatment is best tailored for YOU. And it can be so, so much. And my journey is really just beginning.
It has been 63 days since we found the lump, 34 days since we got confirmation it was breast cancer and 14 days since surgery. Really everything has blown up since the breast cancer confirmation so in the last 34 days, I've been poked, prodded, examined, offended and surgically altered. (I say offended because I still have bruising from the biopsy which was 38 days ago!)
At any rate, there are things that breast cancer has already taught me despite this journey really just ramping up and getting started.
1) People really don't know what to say when you tell them
Clearly I haven't kept my diagnosis to myself since I'm blogging about it on the internet at large. But truly, people really don't know what to say when you tell them. I've noticed a few different reactions: pity, sympathy and embarrassment. There is a huge difference between pity and sympathy by the way. You can see it in people's eyes if you know how to read people the way I can. Truth be told, I get pissed when I see pity. I don't show that anger but it bothers me. And of course, I know that person means well but the person with the diagnosis is already dealing with so much, don't pour on pity. Pour on sympathy and support.
If you don't know what to say without sounding trite, simply say "I'm sorry you're going through this" and leave it at that. I've discovered I don't want people's empty promises or well wishes. I just want to be understood and heard. Everyone will and does handle stress and things like this differently, but for me, this is where I'm at. Just hear me. Don't pretend you get it if you don't. Ask questions. I will be less offended by someone asking me than by someone assuming something or giving an empty platitude.
2) You will be the most popular girl (or guy)
The appointments. Good golly, the appointments. You will feel almost like a celebrity with as many appointments as you'll have at the beginning. For example, after my follow up with the oncologist, I know have 4 new appointments to go to in the next week. All of this is in preparation for chemotherapy to begin. Of course, it's all necessary stuff, but I'd like to be popular because of my sunny personality (haha) rather than breast cancer.
Once the chemo begins, there will only be bi-weekly appointments for about 2 months but then it will be weekly for about 3 months. Currently though, it feels like there are appointments almost every day or every other day and it can just get a bit overwhelming.
Definitely keep a notebook or something handy because you get so much information at each meeting that having a place to document what you can and/or put in your questions will be a life saver.
3) Emotional Rollercoasters Exist
I've written about this before on this blog but it's so true. Today is exactly two weeks post-op and I'm in a great mood. I feel good. I still am on some restrictions but I feel so much better than I did even a week ago. But this is a good day. I've had bad ones. I've had days where I just want to stay in my bed and not face anything. I've had days where I handle all the stuff and then when it's time for bed, I lose my shit and cry like a 2 year old. Because it's just overwhelming.
We are fortunate that in 2022, just before I got hired at my current school district, that we were able to purchase a summer cottage. My school is literally the 90 degree angle between my two homes. It's awesome. From school it's 25 minutes to either one. From home the cottage is about 45 minutes so not super far away but far enough. We have a little bit of lake front access and it's my favorite place to decompress and be when my stress level is high.
We went there on Thursday night after a not-so-great follow up from surgery (where we learned more surgery, chemo and radiation were definitely in the future). I had kept it altogether until I was going to bed. Jeff was trying to help me get into bed with my recovery system and I just started crying and said "I don't want to do this." Meaning, of course, that I don't want to take this journey. I just don't want to be strong anymore.
But while that day wasn't that long ago, I don't feel like that now. It really feels like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because you will feel every emotion possible (and probably some you didn't even know existed) and that's okay. Feel those feelings! Ride the roller coaster because it might be the only way to help you get through this.
4) Being FLAT is awesome!
Sorry if this one is a tad TMI, but I was always a big girl on top. From the time that I had breasts, they were always big. I never enjoyed having huge breasts. I often envied my friends who were much smaller on top. When the doctor told me that cancer might be in the skin, it wasn't a hard decision for me to say nope, double mastectomy and go flat. No reconstruction.
Before my bariatric surgery I was a 40G. 40G! It's amazing that I didn't have upper back issues. The day of mastectomy surgery, I was a 38DDD. And when they weighed the specimens they were almost 5 pounds collectively. Again, it's amazing I didn't have upper back issues. (For context, some of the foobs I have, which are silicone, feel so heavy when you hold them in the mastectomy bra. I weighed them just to see and they are only 2 lbs total. Still not even half what I was carrying around naturally.)
And two weeks out, I do not miss those betraying bitches at all! Yeah, I have a pooh belly now because there aren't any breasts to hide it but whatever. My oncologist suggested we join the gym for during treatment because studies show that people who use the gym during chemo find themselves happier with their recovery time. So that will help take care of the pooh belly (but for real, Winnie the Pooh is adorable so we could just say I'm adorable with my pooh belly too, right?)
5) You will find support
This won't surprise anyone who knows me but I love me some research. It's why I teach elementary school but have a doctorate in education. I will google everything and try to learn about it if I don't know what's what. Sometimes that is scary and sometimes it is awesome.
I have been very fortunate to find two FaceBook groups for women exactly in my position. And I realize even if I don't post in those groups, simply reading and knowing other women have dealt with or are dealing with this too gives me so much hope. I've made some real connections from people who have had the same uphill battle and I've learned from women whose journey has been relatively easy (and boy is the guilt from those ladies real -- I mean they feel guilty for having an easier journey when others are struggling).
I've also learned way more people than I knew about have been on a similar journey to me. Their encouragement, support and love keeps me going on those days when that emotional roller coaster is at the bottom and you just don't feel like you have it in you to keep going.
6) People will step up
I used to complain that Jeff never did laundry or whatever else. And boy has he stepped up. While I feel great today as I'm sitting here writing this, I'm only two weeks post-op. I'm still under restrictions for two more weeks. I can move my arms and stuff pretty well but I can't reach for something if it causes me to stretch. I can't pick up my dog yet (and she is very unhappy about that). Even lifting a basket of laundry is a no-no.
My younger two daughters still live at home and we made a dishes chart of sorts. That while I'm on restriction, the other three adults in the house have their specific days to help. Bree, the older of the two at home, works nights and doesn't get home until like 2:30 in the morning. But she will empty and refill the dishwasher at 3 am on her days because she knows it's helping me out.
I've had so many people reach out to me via text or FB and say "what do you need? Can I help with anything?" because it makes them feel good to even be able to offer a meal to us. (So far I haven't taken anyone up on those offers but it's mostly because Jeff is here. Once he goes back to work, those offers will probably be accepted because I'm going to be too tired to cook and I don't want him working all day and then coming home to more stuff to do.)
7) You will realize how strong you are
I mentioned previously on this blog that I don't want people to tell me I'm a badass and so strong and will definitely come through this. Of course I will. I mean, if you know me in real life, you know I am stubborn as a damn mule. Tell me I can't do something and you can pretty much guarantee I'm going to find a way to do it, you know?
But in my weakest moments, like last Thursday when I just cried in Jeff's arms and said I didn't want to take this journey, I realize that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I've spent so much of my life hiding my weaknesses. Now I'm embracing them and in embracing those weaknesses, I'm finding strength.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but it makes sense to me. In allowing myself to be vulnerable and embrace those weak moments, when I come out of that funk, I find myself stronger and more determined to a) do everything I can do defeat this disease and b) be a positive light for other people who perhaps don't have the wonderful support system that I have.
Perspective has always been incredibly important to me. I worked with a couple of teachers one year who had never taught anything but the grade level we shared and it was so obvious to me. They lacked the perspective to know what had come before and what they needed to know going forward. I think that applies here too because I know how lucky I am. I know that I could have no support system and be struggling to make ends meet while dealing with this and that's not true for me.
It doesn't mean the road I'm about to take will be easy - I don't labor under any delusion that that will be the case. But I can also appreciate that it's easier than other people have it and that perspective helps me not stay in those funk moments for too long because I always know I have a brighter day ahead of me.
Raye
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