You know those annoying people who always tell you to just keep a positive attitude and everything will be okay?
I might be one of those people. (Sorry, not sorry.)
On Tuesday, I had my second chemotherapy appointment. I had blood work done, a urinalysis and got to see the oncologist before the infusion began.
Blood work is looking excellent (white blood cell counts were actually ABOVE normal which is weird but very good) and the urinalysis was just to rule out a UTI since I was having some issues with frequency and urgency last week. All is good on those fronts.
The oncologist was super happy with how things have gone so far. I haven't had any negative side effects except fatigue. Thank goodness I haven't dealt with nausea or anything like that. As she was examining me, we were just chatting and she says "I'm certain your positive attitude is playing a role in this."
I just smiled and said "well I cannot control what my body is doing at the moment but I can control how I approach it."
Do I have my moments? Of course. This isn't fun. It's not easy. I wouldn't wish it on someone that I hated. But it's my journey and what I can control is how I put myself out there, how I handle each new obstacle and how I shift it towards advocacy.
She said she really thought that because I am so positive that my outcome will be better because I'm not dwelling in melancholy.
My youngest, Jillian, brought me to chemotherapy this week because my oldest, Emily, has had the crud going through her house (first COVID, then strep - yikes!). I think even she (Jillian) realized that being positive and just going with the flow makes the whole process easier.
After all of the labs and meeting with the doctor, they got us into our little cubicle and the nurse, Kelly, got me all hooked up. The doctor had been running behind but since I had my labs done first, there was plenty of time for them to be run and analyzed before they actually hooked me up to the machine. This means that we were still done by 4:15 even though my appointment slot ended at 4. They were efficient and got the job done despite not even getting the infusion started until nearly an hour after it was originally scheduled.
I am super grateful for the nurses and staff at the cancer center. Seriously, you couldn't ask for nicer people. (I mean you probably have to have a HUGE heart to work with cancer patients because some of them are so sick and frail. It's sad.) All of the staff I've interacted with have been top notch, from the reception gals to the phlebotomists (who all creepily tell me that my veins are awesome...um, thanks?) to the nurses and of course the doctors. Truly next level folks and they deserve the world.
I didn't ask for this journey and sometimes I still find myself feeling pissed off that I'm dealing with this instead of being able to be at my job and doing what I love, but those feelings are fortunately fleeting and don't last long.
It IS weird to know that today would have originally been my last day of medical leave and that I'd be preparing to go back to school on Monday. All 7 weeks of the lessons I left have been used up (well, I assume they have...I haven't kept track because I'm not supposed to be working) and I don't know what's going to happen with my classroom next because no one has told me. (Not complaining about that btw, just an observation.)
I think it has struck me a bit this week though that I won't be there next week. I've had a couple of dreams about school and seeing the students. Mostly I put that away for this year; it's just not feasible or smart for me to interact with 650+ students on a weekly basis with a compromised immune system. If I was in, say a 3rd grade classroom with 30 kids and they were the only kids I ever interacted with, I might be able to swing it but not like this.
It's okay. I've made my peace with it. I don't love it and I'm sad that I can't do all of the awesome stuff I planned to do this year with our new robots, but hopefully it will be there for me next year. (I say hopefully because my contract guarantees me a job, not necessarily the one I vacated. To absolutely toot my own horn, it's my program that I developed so chances of me getting my position back are high but no guarantee and I've learned throughout my career that even a 1% chance of not getting it back means I shouldn't expect it.)
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