Not much new to report with chemo! I continue to tolerate it as well as anyone can expect and that's really good. I've developed some chemo brain fog again which really stinks. I hate feeling like I don't know what's going on in my own mind! It's aggravating as all get out.
What's weird is I had the brain fog very early with the AC (red devil) but it disappeared when I went to taxol. Then at the halfway mark (Christmas Eve), I started getting it again. The reprieve was fun while it lasted! It's really my only side effect (well that and the steroids making me want to eat literally everything so I've gained like 20 lbs) so I can't complain too much...but it sucks! When you're someone like me who has always been proud of your ability to think and be clear and now sometimes you can't...it's disorienting and frustrating.
I will literally be in the midst of a conversation and forget what I was talking about. In the middle of a sentence! Thankfully my family gets it and just smiles and helps me try to remember but man...it can be a lot. Too much sometimes.
I'm super grateful that back in late May when I had a super, awful, terribly bad depressive episode they changed my antidepressant to Lexapro. I'm only on 10 mg and I'm doing awesome with it. Despite all of the shit that has happened in my life in the last six months, I'm handling it like a champ and I'm positive that is in part because this medication is so much better for me than Celexa was. Even Jillian (my 22 year old) has commented how I'm as positive as positive can be. I don't think this would be true if I was still on Celexa.
In fact, Jillian told me she saw one of her acting professors this week whom she hadn't seen since last spring and the professor asked her about life and Jillian told her about me and my journey. The professor was like "whoa..." and after Jillian told her about my kicking cancer's ass journey, she was like "your mom is amazing."
I hear that a lot from people who don't know me well or haven't met me. Coworkers of my kids and husband that only know me through them. They are like "damn, she's a bad ass." Well...when you've continually been dealt a shitty hand in life, what are you going to do? Lay down and take it? Not me. I just keep getting back up and fighting. It's all I've ever known. I wasn't about to let breast cancer change that.
Although, if we're being real, breast cancer has changed me. In a lot of ways. Some very personal and private that I will hold close to my heart. And some ways that are very much out there for others to see. I think in the last few years, really since quitting district #1, I've determined that I don't have to take shit from an employer. It took me leaving district #1 to realize what a toxic relationship it really was. And I allowed that to happen to me because I didn't think I deserved better. District #2 started off great and quickly changed and I wasn't putting up with that again. The moment they screwed me over, I was out. And I've never once regretted that choice. Never. District #3 is not perfect, not by any stretch, but guess who are the ones who reach out and ask me if I'm doing okay and if I need anything? My colleagues, coworkers and parents from District #3. (Yes there are a few from 1 and 2 but not anything like how many from 3.)
That attitude has really helped me on my cancer journey. I'm just not willing to be anyone's doormat or punching bag anymore. I finally, finally reached a point in my life where I realize the only person's approval I need is my own. And I'm in a place today when I can genuinely say, I love myself and who I have become despite all of the things I've gone through. I will continue to be the voice for those who don't know how to do that as well as a voice for myself. No is and always will be a complete sentence. I've gotten better and better at saying no and I'm grateful for that.
I've also been talking to the nurse practitioner about my return to work. Even though I said before I really thought I'd just take the whole year off, I feel like I'm going to be ready to go back after spring break. At the absolute worst the only thing I still will have to get through is radiation and I can definitely do that while teaching.
I miss my kiddos! And while I am grateful for my sub, I know she is not doing what I would be doing, despite me spending two unpaid Fridays making sure my year-long plans were ready. So there is also some desire to save my program that I worked so hard to build up! Y'all I never realized how incredibly...possessive...one can be about something like this. Since I was given 100% control of what I taught and how I developed this program in its first year, I put my entire heart and soul into it. To know that it's being run as a science lab instead of a STEM lab kills me.
Plus I heard something that I wish I didn't know about what's happening there and it is fueling my desire to be back. This is MY program and MY reputation and I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else taint or ruin it.
I know my number one job right now is to take care of myself. And I've done the best I can with that, but I also cannot sit by and just be like "oh it doesn't matter what's happening at school" because it does matter. It's why I'm a teacher. It's why I've stayed a teacher when things have gotten so chaotic and difficult since COVID. (To be clear, my current district is a billion miles better in terms of behaviors and supports than either of the previous two but there are still a lot of challenges to being an educator that people will never understand unless they do the job.)
I've always been a vocal advocate for the children and their quality of education. In my little rural district, they need someone like me who will always go the extra mile (or ten) to make a program worthy of it's title. There is no "just getting by" in my world. You go all the way or you get out. Period. And I've heard enough to know that the program I developed is not the same without me. I don't mean to sound egotistical, but I also know that someone who didn't develop the program won't care about it in the same way that I do.
I've had a parent and a couple of kiddos reach out to me in the last week or so and it has warmed my heart so much. It's been MONTHS since I've gotten to see or interact with the kids and they miss me. That's an amazing feeling!
Plus, as I told the nurse practitioner...worries about me being overwhelmed going back to work are futile. It doesn't matter if I go back in April or August, I will be overwhelmed. It's an overwhelming job to have 650+ kids a week! But you know what? It also gives me life and fuel and I love what I do. So that's all the more reason, for myself, to continue to kick cancer's butt and get back into my classroom. Not just for the kids, but also for me.
Comments
Post a Comment